Why is it so hard to talk about school? Parents often get exasperated with kids' monosyllabic answers to their simple questions. That one well-intentioned line, "How was school today?" has probably provoked more bad feelings between parents and kids than either party ever intended
This question is frustrating for both parents and kids,” notes Michael Thompson, Ph.D., author of The Pressured Child. “Parents never get the answer they want and often don't understand how difficult this question really is. It's asking kids to boil down every aspect of their day into one response. And that's hard for kids (and even grown ups) to do! What a child might really want to say is, "My day was so complex, it was jam-packed with classes and social problems that I can't even begin to tell you. After all, I'm only in second grade!'"
So most kids just say ‘fine' or try to avoid the question entirely." And then the problem escalates. "Many parents will repeat this question if they don't get a good enough response because they don't know how else to ask it," adds Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D., author of Playful Parenting.
So – should we stop asking questions? No. But you might ask fewer questions and try not to get crazy when your kids don’t respond the way you want them to. Remember that if your kids don’t want to talk, it’s not a rejection of you. When you do speak, try to find ways to discuss what’s meaningful to both your child and you, because this shows that you care.
Fortunately, some simple strategies can really help. "What was fun? What was the worst part of the day? Did your teacher explain that math homework? How did soccer go?" Try these strategies to get kids and parents talking about school and listening to each other in meaningful ways.
Questions that Work
Whatever your child’s age, a specific question, or even a specific statement, may prompt more of a response than the more general "How was school today?" If you listen to your child’s answer, and (if the opening is there) ask another question, you’ll be on your way to a meaningful conversation.
Ask kids about what interests them:
- "What did you do that was fun today?"
- "Did anything funny happen?"
- "What did you like best today?"
- "Did you read any new books in library?"
- "How did the science experiment turn out?"
Ask about specific people and events in your child’s life:
- "Did Mrs. Stone go over that math test?"
- "What did Mr. Zeiner talk about in social studies?"
- "Who’d you sit next to on the bus?"
- "Did Mrs. Davis call on you today?"
- "Are you and Helen still having a hard time?"
- "How are you and Charlie doing?"
- "What do your friends think about the substitute teacher?"
Ask kids about what bugs them. Everybody likes to complain, so if your child is in a bad mood, ask what’s wrong. You might find that within a few minutes, your child is telling you what she likes. You might ask:
- "Anybody get on your nerves today?"
- "Was your teacher annoying again?"
- "Was there anything really hard for you?"
Make comments about schoolwork. You can look over your child’s work or the teacher’s weekly class note, and ask:
- "Wow, what a cool picture of a squirrel. I like the bushy tail. What does he use it for?"
- "Can you explain photosynthesis to me?"
- "What is a whole number, anyway?"
Age & Stage Tips
"The quality of the exchange does not depend on the number of words used. Short positive exchanges can make a child feel great. You don’t always have to delve deeper. Let your child bring up more if she wants, and if she needs to, she will." - Michael Thompson, Ph.D, Author, The Pressured Child
Preschool, Kindergarten & First Grade
Younger children often bubble up with their own comments about the school day but skip lots of information parents find important. Some don’t like the question "how was school?" primarily because they think their parents know what’s in their head. Developmentally, younger children haven’t completely realized that their lives are separate from their parents.
To encourage communication, you might ask "what did you build in the block center?" or "what songs did you sing in music today?" Comment on their work, with statements like “you’re studying words with the letter B. Grandma’s name Barbara starts with B. What other words start with B?”
Keep in mind, however, that while some young children are chatterboxes, others are not. "For many young children, talking is not their main way of communicating. So don’t be upset if you don’t get an elaborate answer," comments Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D. "Instead, get out the stuffed animals, dolls, or action figures and observe what your child does through play. Your child might play the part of a scolding teacher, or want you to play the part of a naughty child. Or, your child might give you an art class. You never know."
Second & Third Grade
Kids this age may start sharing less. They know the school routine and may not want to discuss it with you. How they feel about their friends begins to overshadow school work, but they may not want to talk about social problems with parents or be able to verbalize them succinctly. If your child seems upset when she comes home, instead of prying with questions, you might say later "I notice you were grumpy when you walked in the door. Did something happen?" Compliments can start great conversations as well. You might say, "You’re really working hard on your handwriting. This story looks great."
Fourth & Fifth Grade
Older kids sometimes interpret your questions as demands. They may think you want a report on how well they are doing, or an update on their social lives which they would rather keep private. They may sometimes be afraid that you will interfere or try to fix situations they would rather deal with themselves. Your older child might think, "There’s way too much to tell you. And you’re just going to over-react, so I’m not going to bother."
Kids this age may talk more readily about their friends than about themselves. You might ask "what do your friends think about the new math teacher?" and learn a lot about what your child thinks. Try to avoid orders like "time for homework!" and instead ask "what’s your homework plan for the day? Should we make one together?"
Conclusion
Communicating effectively about school goes deeper than just asking the right questions. More than just finding out how their day was, good conversations help kids see we care about their lives, that we are there to support them, and to help them develop strategies for solving problems themselves.
Source: www.pbs.org/parents/